intended to eat at toastbox, but end up at BBQ Chicken.

talked about how FAIL MAMA is and yeah.

slacked at mc cafe till 5pm+ talking about guys.

both of us were super tired.

read what Alpha Ent. has posted with regards to JYP Audition.

Makes me have the urge to join 'cause if you're selected, they will provide you with air ticket to Korea, accomodation, training expenses and all. Basically everything except for your daily cash allowance perhaps for shopping or what? Yes, even food they provide for you. Guess it's just those shampoos and all which you got to get by yourself.

3 songs to be burned in a cd, but idk which 3 songs to choose.

and it's coming up on either 8 or 9 dec.

even if you don't get in the finals and chosen by them, they will actually still consider to take you in to train you.

what's there to lose?

if i get selected, i get to be away from this fucked up family of mine for more than half a year.

if i get selected, i get to accomplish my dream of both going to korea and being a singer.

then i went inside that mum's room to ask her 'if i ever get in JYP audition, will you and dad provide me with money for my expenses there?' and she say 'go pray to your grandpa let me strike 4D...' then pause awhile then she continue 'who ask you can work don't want work?' and etc etc. make me fucking pissed off.

instead of like encouraging me, you nagged at me and all.

do you even know the REAL reason why i don't want to work for this month?!

and hello, it's just this one month which i'm not working, why are both you and dad so fucking annoying, asking me to work when i already said 'I DIDN'T QUIT! I'LL BE BACK TO WORK IN DEC!' now tell me, which part of the sentence do you all not understand?!

then what about that brother of mine?!

he don't want to study and don't want to work at like macdonalds' or something!

how long has it been since he didn't went to school?!

why didn't you all nag at him to go find a work which pays 3.50 or 4.50/hr or something?!

why did you (dad) still give him his everyday allowance when he's just smooching off your money buying game cards and all?!

why did you (mum) still dote on him and treat as though everything about him is alright and didn't nag at him for not going to study or finding a job?!

whenever i ask for my everyday allowance from you (dad) you started nagging at me 'why didn't you work? go back to work. i got no money already. you didn't go work so why should i give you?' IS THIS EVEN HOW A DAD SHOULD TREAT HIS DAUGHTER?!

needless to say about you (mum) who only knows how to take money from me as well! how long has it been since you've given me allowance? how long has it been since you last paid for my handphone bills?

you only know how to nag at me to give you money for my phone bill, and when i show you attitude or when i say i got no money, you scold me. when you ask sis for her phone bill, she show you attitude or say she got no money, you scold her, yes. but after that you just let it go. end up she didn't even need to pay up for it.

I KNOW I'M USELESS, I KNOW I'M NOT AS GREAT AS YOUR ELDEST DAUGHTER AND YOUR YOUNGEST SON! JUST 'CAUSE I'M BORN AS THE SECOND CHILD OF THIS FAMILY DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO TOLERATE WHATEVER YOU ALL ARE DOING, DOESN'T MEAN I NEED TO SEE HOW BIAS YOU BOTH ARE TOWARDS THE OTHER TWO RIGHT?!

I BLAME YOU (BOTH) FOR GIVING ME BIRTH TO ME. FOR NOT GIVING ME GOOD GENES. I KNOW I DON'T HAVE THE LOOK, I DON'T HAVE THE BRAINS, I GOT A LOT OF FLAWS ON MY BODY (SWEATY PALMS SWEATY FEET NO EYEBROWS AND ALL). YOU KNOW HOW I FUCKING HATED MYSELF ALL THIS WHILE?! YOU KNOW HOW SELF-CONSCIOUS I AM WHEN I'M OUTSIDE?! YOU KNOW HOW I WANTED THOSE RELATIVES OF OURS TO PLACE THEIR ATTENTION ON ME AND PRAISE ME INSTEAD OF THEIR ATTENTION AND PRAISES ON MY BROTHER AND SISTER?! DO YOU KNOW HOW RESTRICTED MY LIFE IS 'CAUSE OF THESE FLAWS WHICH I HAVE?! I CAN'T BUY PRETTY SHOES WHICH I WANT 'CAUSE IF I WEAR THEM I'LL GET UNCOMFORTABLE AND HURT MY FEET. I CAN'T HOLD OTHERS' HANDS AS AND WHEN I WISH TO.

why? why didn't i voice all these out to you all face-to-face before?!

it's not 'cause i'm afraid of getting scolded.

it's 'cause i know saying all these infront of you(s) will make you(s) feel sorry and guilty and whatever shit if you're still humane enough to treat me as your REAL daughter.

i got to bottle up all these disappointments, sadness and anger in my heart.

but now, i really can't tolerate it anymore that i'm voicing it out here.

if my bottle is full and really reach the brink, i have no idea what i'll do...

i'm tired of tolerating all these biasness and bullshits and naggings and scoldings.